The M Word
by crackficwhores
Summary: [CRACKFIC][TamakiKyouya] Tamaki accidentally makes a deal with Nekozawa. Kyouya becomes a mommy. For real! Whoops!


**Short, sweet, & simple: **Crackfic. Annette likes Ouran way too much. Or at least, she used to. It was unhealthy. She remembered how ridiculous Ouran was, and now she's procrastinating. Not a good mix. And for some reason, square brackets don't love her no more.

**Summary: **(CRACKFIC)(Tamaki/Kyouya) Tamaki accidentally makes a deal with Nekozawa-san. Kyouya becomes a mommy. For real! Whoops!

**Warning:** It's a crackfic. Watch out for major OOC-ness and crazy pairings/happenings. Random and horrific cussing/swearing a.k.a. profanity to the highest power. Watch out for mpreg! You have been warned.

**Rated:** Mercy. Mercy! MERCYGODF-CKINGDAMN—We mean M.

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**The "M" Word**

**Chapter I:** A Deal With the Cat Devil

(**a.k.a.** Tamaki Acts Upon His Idiocy. Again.)

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The Host Club members watched dispassionately as Tamaki repetitively slammed his head into the wall. Tamaki could be quite amusing at times. Now, strangely enough, was one of those times.

Kyouya's glasses glinted menacingly as he lifted his head. "Tamaki, you bastard!" he screamed, his voice cracking in an unflatteringly uncharacteristic sort of way. He lurched to his feet and managed to go five steps before he was overcome with a decidedly unpleasant sensation, causing him to place one hand delicately over his mouth while the other found its way to his stomach.

Haruhi hurried to his side, a small basin and towel in hand. "Kyouya-senpai, maybe you should sit down for a while. Your stomach is quite obviously upset."

"My stomach isn't the only thing that's upset," Kyouya grumbled, after gagging into the basin and dabbing at his mouth with the proffered towel. "Tamaki's father is going to be very upset once he realizes I've murdered his only son."

Tamaki continued to slam his head into the wall.

The twins watched gleefully, keeping count of the slams. "Thirty-five!" yelled Kaoru. "Thirty-six!" shouted Hikaru.

"But I don't get it," said Haruhi, shaking her head. Kyouya's anger momentarily abated as he gratefully sat himself down in the chair that Mori had so thoughtfully pulled up next to him. "What does food poisoning have to do with Tamaki-senpai?"

A look of apprehension suddenly donned the brunette's face. She stared at Kyouya in disbelief, an expression of disgust and confusion clearly evident upon her delicate features. "Kyouya-senpai, you didn't eat something that Tamaki cooked, did you?" Haruhi had always thought of the manipulative manager of the Host Club as someone who was above doing stupid things.

Apparently, everyone was victim to stupidity.

Shocking.

"It's not food poisoning," stated Kyouya flatly.

"No, not food poisoning at all!" crooned Hikaru as he placed a dessert filled with raspberry jelly in front of Tamaki's forehead. "Thirty-nine," counted Kaoru, as the red goo oozed out of the dessert and dribbled ominously down Tamaki's face.

"Well, if it isn't food poisoning, then what is it?" asked Haruhi as she sat down at the table Mori had somehow managed to lug across the room. The remaining members of the Host Club, with the exception of Tamaki (who was most probably lost in his attempt to break the world record for the greatest number of consecutive head slams), followed suit.

Kyouya spent some time cleaning his glasses before speaking. "The twins already know," he muttered, clearing his throat in the process. "They were here when the news was broken." He shot an angry glance in Tamaki's direction before catching Haruhi's gaze.

It was odd, staring into his eyes when he wasn't wearing his glasses. Unshielded, their dark depths seemed to bore into her, and Haruhi suddenly felt as though she were being sucked into a strange hypnotic trance. Feeling nauseous, it took her a moment to realize that she had unconsciously lifted the vomit-soaked towel to her face. Hurriedly, she dropped the towel to the floor and kicked it under the table. That could be dealt with later. She turned to face Kyouya again, a little relieved to find that his glasses were once again in their rightful place.

He was looking straight into Haruhi's eyes when he broke the news.

"I'm pregnant."

There was a long pause.

Which was broken quite indelicately by the twins' high-pitched hoots and catcalls, followed shortly by what Kyouya considered to be an unnecessary amount of laughter. "No matter how many times he says it," started Hikaru, while gasping for breath. "It's just as hilarious!" finished Kaoru.

No amount of Kyouya's patented death glares could shut them up. It was a first.

Haruhi was having a hard time digesting the manager's startling admittance. "Um, senpai?" she asked, swirling a finger around in her tea.

"What?" snapped Kyouya.

"It's not that I'm calling you a liar, but… well, guys don't get pregnant." She continued on hurriedly, prompted by Kyouya's menacing glare. "I mean, you don't have a uterus. And unless you're actually a hermaphrodite, I don't think it's possible. In fact, I don't think it's possible even if you are a hermaphrodite." There was a brief pause. "You're not really a woman, are you, Kyouya-senpai? I mean, we'd all be fine with it if you were! Even the twins."

"Oh, Kyouya's not a woman!" shouted Hunny happily. He dug into the side of a three layer chocolate cake as everyone stared at him.

"He's not?" asked Haruhi, doubtfully. "How do you know?"

"Yeah, how would you know?" asked Kaoru warily.

"Ah, you remember, Mori!" shouted Hunny, waving a fork in the air. "Remember when we were having that really nice shower at Kyouya's house and Kyouya walked in? He definitely had a penis."

The room was silent except for the frighteningly consistent smacking of Tamaki's head hitting the wall.

"Un," grunted Mori, in agreement.

"What were you doing at Kyouya's house?" shouted Kaoru.

"And how long was his penis?" hissed Hikaru secretively. "Bigger than mine?"

Kyouya stood up suddenly, faltered, and held onto the tabletop before regaining his composure. "Hunny-senpai! I thought we weren't going to talk about that incident?"

Hunny's eyes instantly widened to the size of dinner plates. He knew he shouldn't have had that laser eye surgery. Who would have known that every time he was going to cry, his eyes would swell to twenty times their normal size? Damn plastic surgeons. "Wah, I'm sorry Kyouya, I forgot!" he wailed as he shoved half a cake into his face.

A hand went to Kyouya's temple as he rubbed his temple. "I am indeed a male, and I am indeed pregnant. Though what sort of half-breed animal is growing inside of me, I have no clue! This is all Tamaki's fault!"

"So, Tamaki and you had sex?" asked Haruhi, bluntly.

"This is the best part," whispered Kaoru into Haruhi's ear.

"No! I'm not so desperate that I would ever ask that stupid blond for sex!"

Hunny's eyes grew as big as dinner plates again. He began to speak, but Kyouya quickly cut him off. "_That_ stupid blond," he clarified, pointing a finger in Tamaki's direction. Mollified, Hunny's eyes returned to their normal size as he jammed the rest of the cake into his face.

The twins and Haruhi shared a rather revolted look. The unsettling nature of Kyouya and Hunny's relationship would have to be looked into in the future. Now, however, the pressing matter of Kyouya's supposed pregnancy was of more importance. (However, this did not stop Hikaru from jotting down several stinging comments that could be misconstrued as sexual innuendoes between Kyouya and Hunny. Damn, he was genius.)

"Then how did you get pregnant?" asked Haruhi, once the sexual tension between Kyouya and Hunny had lessened to an acceptable degree. "_In vitro_ fertilization?"

"Ask Tamaki! Why don't you ask the idiot leader how it happened!"

It was at this point that Tamaki stopped his head slamming and faced the other club members, wearing a positively forlorn expression. Haruhi had never seen him looking so dejected–at least, not in the past few days. Er, hours.

He ran a hand through his smooth, red jelly-saturated hair, his blue eyes revealing the very depths of his pained soul. Said soul could also be described as a vortex of pure emotion, pulling everyone, albeit unwillingly, into his sparkly and vivacious Tamaki-inspired world. (It's a well-documented, but not very well-known fact that Tamaki's great-great-great-great-great grandmother thrice removed was actually an Original Character Veela from a totally separate world known as Harry Potter and that's where he got his stunning good looks and incredible ability to manipulate people with his hotness. Joy!)

"It all started this morning…"

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He had been sitting in the Host Club's room when he sighed contentedly, smiling at Kyouya while the twins messed around with some of the teacups. "Wouldn't it be great if you were really a mom?" he asked Kyouya, his eyes glittering foolishly.

"No," answered Kyouya curtly, scrawling something into his ledger.

Ignoring the manager's flat reply, Tamaki's eyes only shone a touch brighter. "I mean, you could have a kid and be happy and full of baby." He leaned back in his chair, his smile stretching across his face as he imagined Kyouya dressed in a Victorian ball gown, swinging her, er, his, long hair around and around.

Kyouya popped Tamaki's imagination bubble with the tip of his pen. "I never have nor will I ever wish to be 'full of baby'. Now, shut up."

"What, you don't like babies?" Tamaki didn't notice the menacing shadow looming over his shoulder. "I love babies! They're cute and smell like baby powder!"

"Babies are dirty, uncouth savages. I hate babies." Kyouya scratched out something he'd written down erroneously. "I'm busy working right now, Tamaki. You made me lose my concentration."

"Babies aren't dirty! They're always clean! And washed!" Tamaki smiled foolishly, the dark shadow now completely over him. However, Tamaki once again failed to notice, his eyes closed in order to more vividly imagine a pregnant Kyouya in a shiny dress.

"I wish I was the father of your baby–I'd give anything to make it happen."

Kyouya looked up, the revulsion caused by Tamaki's comment glinting darkly in his eyes. "Don't ever let me catch you saying such a foolish–"

Thunder crashed and the lights went out.

"Your wish has been granted, Tamaki-san," whispered Nekozawa into Tamaki's ear.

Tamaki screamed incoherently and ran to hide behind Kyouya.

"I beg your pardon?" questioned Kyouya. "What do you mean his wish is granted?"

"I will be back to collect my price in four months time!" Nekozawa waved his hands in the air, his tiny cat doll's eyes gleaming feverishly.

"What do you mean his wish is granted?" asked Kyouya, his eyes started to grow wide. Faced with Nekozawa's freakish smile, Kyouya lost his composure and grabbed Nekozawa by the front of his robes. "Answer me, you cat-loving freak!"

Nekozawa's hand, the one not encased by his demonic cat puppet, caressed Kyouya's face. Meanwhile, his puppet-laden hand was rubbing Kyouya's stomach fervently. Kyouya dropped him and grabbed at his abdomen, a sense of panic suddenly overtaking him.

"Exactly what it sounds like!" Nekozawa stood up and swayed as menacingly as he could, backing away from Kyouya while laughing. "You are pregnant!"

There was a flash of light, darkness again, and when the lights came back on, Nekozawa was gone without a trace.

As silence fell, Kyouya made his way to Tamaki. Sensing that there was nowhere to run, Tamaki leaned up against the wall and started to bash his blond head against it.

Kyouya was halfway across the room and was speeding up when Haruhi, Hunny, and Mori entered. That was when he threw up all over the carpet.

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"And that's what happened," ended Tamaki, shrugging his shoulders easily. "I mean, I couldn't see what was happening after I started slamming my head against the wall, but I believe that my story is still sufficiently accurate."

"So, what are you going to do, Kyouya-senpai?" asked Haruhi, turning worriedly to the bespectacled mother-to-be.

"What _can_ I do, Haruhi?" he asked, glaring down at her. His rage should have been directed at Tamaki, he was sure, but he was having trouble focusing as the returning nausea wracked him in vomit-inducing spasms.

"Well, you could always have an abortion, couldn't you?"

"An abortion?" Kyouya questioned. "And how exactly would that work? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a man. There is no doctor on earth would take me seriously." He pushed his glasses back up along the bridge of his nose.

"But what about your secret police force?" asked Kaoru. Hikaru spoke over his brother's shoulder, "Haven't you got a secret squad of medical personnel for emergencies?"

"This isn't something most people could stay quiet about," said Kyouya, collapsing back into his chair. No one was quite sure when he had gotten up, but they supposed that hearing Tamaki's retelling of past events had been enough to lift him from his seat.

"Um, Kyouya-senpai…" started Haruhi, biting her lip. "How exactly are you going to give birth to the child? I mean," she paused again, tilting her head thoughtfully to the side. "You don't exactly have a vagina. Nor do you have a uterus... though I'm beginning to wonder what an ultrasound would have to say about that."

Kyouya's eyes narrowed. "We'll deal with birthing later."

He stood then, his queasiness seeming to have passed, and he smiled at Tamaki. Eventually, he placed a hand on blond's shoulder and Tamaki beamed. Kyouya couldn't stand against his inherited Veela appeal after all.

Kyouya's head fell, and he sighed. He snaked his arms around Tamaki's neck and spun him around in a chokehold.

"We will deal with birthing later," he repeated, as Tamaki's face began to go red. "Right after I kill Tamaki."

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Annette has NO idea where these ideas come from. She does know that they're sick and highly amusing. Mpreg also confuses the hell out of her. Bertha hates school. As does Annette.


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